Maybe it's a me thing...

How long is it supposed to take to get over an ex?

I know everyone is different but I just feel like I should have been over this already.

 Most days I feel Ok, but other days it feels like it was yesterday but actually it has been almost a year to…..the day he came over to tell me that the “break” we were on was over for good. But who I am kidding, breaks never work right? I can still picture him walking through my door, holding a bag of my things, taking my keys off his key chain and placing them on the counter…he didn’t have to say anything. As he stood in front of me, both of us crying, I knew what was coming. “I don’t love you the way you love me and it’s not fair, I don’t love you the way you deserve to be loved”. Now let me tell you, those words sting, plain and simple.

He once asked me how I knew that I loved him, and that got me thinking. Did I really love him?

When ever I think of that question i always seem to go back to the quote from the movie It Takes Two (with the Olsen twins) “That can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence world series, kind of love.” I think I really did love him, he was a great guy, sooo good to me, even when I wasn’t that good to him,. He made me laugh. Most of all he liked me for me. After we broke up I remember feeling like I didn’t want to go on, crying for days(I had to pull myself together though because the afternoon we broke up I had a job interview to go to!!!). I couldn’t even get a full sentence out when I called my mom to tell her because I was crying so hard. My chest felt like someone was sitting on it, and I couldn’t breathe. I hurt. One of the many reasons I knew that I had loved him, was because I couldn’t even hate him when we broke up. Now some people may think that’s crazy. But as hard as I tried I never got mad or angry at him. (Not even some drunk text/dialing telling him how wrong he was and how much he would regret it!lol). I almost wish that he had been an asshole or he had done something that would have made me hate me…but he wasn’t and he didn't. Not to mention I think we had unbelievable chemistry (Not blog appropriate but you get the point) and sometimes I wonder if I will ever find that again. I also think that it made It harder for me to get over because we have remained “friends”, which in my own little world gives me a false sense of hope…and yes I know I put myself in that situation and have no one to blame but myself.  It’s not like I haven’t tried to get over him. I’ve been on a few dates, dated someone in the summer for a short period of time and heck even had a little fun along the way. But I am always left wondering what is holding me back. I don’t ever want to feel the way I did that day, but I also know I may have to take that chance again someday.

Now having said all that I don’t particularly want a relationship right now, I just want to be over it, and to feel ok with it. Because to be completely honest, at this point I love being “selfish”. I can do what I want, when I want. I don’t have to answer to anyone. If I’m in a grumpy mood, I can turn my music up loud and dance around. I can be messy, I can change into sweats when I come home…oh wait maybe these are all the reasons I am still single…lol! I guess their are a few good things that have come out of it. I started to play soccer again, i have gotten back into school, i feel like i have a better sense of me. To be honest i probably would not have done any of those if i was still in a relationship.I know those may not be a big deal to some people but its a small step in the right direction.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one going through these emotions but for some reason I have a feeling I am not alone. And I know that one day I will find “that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars over the fence the world series kind of love.”  It’ll just take some time.